Ditch “The Pursuit of Happiness”. Focus on this instead.
- Diane Jenifer Trif
- Jan 29, 2024
- 5 min read
Note: This is the second of two articles on this topic. Click here to read the first.
The Reader's Digest Version:
The pursuit of happiness might not be as fulfilling as we think.
Understanding our individual definition of happiness is key.
Well-being, rather than happiness, provides a more holistic approach to life.
The PERMA model offers practical components for building well-being.
Well-being skills can enhance our quality of life, and they can be learned.
A Contradictory Thought: Is Happiness Overrated?
Let's chat about an unpopular opinion, friends: happiness might not be the holy grail it's cracked up to be. Yes, you heard that right! To be precise, it's the relentless pursuit of happiness that often gets way more credit than it deserves. Heck, it's even written into the U.S. Constitution! And I'm saying this as a self-proclaimed "hedonist in recovery." Yes, that's right, hedonism - the creed that claims pleasure or happiness is the supreme treasure in life. Don't judge me, I was young.
An Unexpected Perspective on Happiness
Now, let me tell you a story I never thought I'd tell. When I was just a fresh bright-eyed psychology undergraduate, I was utterly convinced that our ultimate goal in life should be to find happiness. After all, if we're not enjoying our lives, what's the point of it all, right? Of course, I wasn't naive enough to think we could be deliriously happy all the time. But I honestly believed that (assuming the absence of mental illness) we could at least figure out how to enjoy life most of the time, no matter what bumps or bruises life threw at us.
That became my whole mission in life: find the secret sauce to happiness and help others find it too. I was relentless in my pursuit and would talk about it constantly to anyone who would listen.
But then, a dear friend threw a wrench into my well-oiled happiness machine. One day he looked me straight in the eyes, with a mix of kindness and frankness, and said:
"I don't really care about happiness."
Wait, WHAT!? (Talk about a mind-blowing moment!)
"How can you not care about it?" I stammered, utterly flabbergasted.
"I just think there are more important things," he replied nonchalantly.
At the time, I was inclined to label him a cynic or a melancholic soul, seeing his perspective as a distinct, albeit peculiar, worldview that contrasted with mine. It was easier, of course, to think he simply had a different worldview than to re-assess my entire belief system.
Looking back now, I smile at this naivety. Fast forward a few years, and my journey to understand the true essence of happiness has led me to an unexpected place. I've come to appreciate that my friend, with their unconventional viewpoint, might have been onto something. “Happiness” studies have come a long way since then and so have I. I’d like to share with you a few things I learned along the way.
Redefining Happiness: A Personal Journey
What exactly is happiness anyway?
I’ve learned over time that there is no real answer to this question. The reason there is no answer is because there are many answers.
I cannot tell you what happiness is. Only you can decide for yourself what it is for you. It’s like the question “What is the meaning of life”? The answer is something you get to make up for yourself. Happiness is the same and believe it or not that is good news!
In a broader sense, researchers often measure happiness through what they call "subjective well-being," 🔍 or simply how you assess your own life. It's about asking yourself, "How content are you with your life overall?"
But let's be real – we humans tend to give different answers to that question based on our moods, the time of day, the weather, recent events, and a million other factors.
"Happiness" is a challenging term to study because it's tough to measure or pin down. It's as unpredictable as the weather.
Well-Being: A Holistic Approach to Life
That's where positive psychology steps in. It shifts the focus to something more concrete: "well-being." A framework like PERMA,🔍 introduced by psychologist Marty Seligman, sheds light on the components of what science has found can lead to a fulfilled life. Not always a “happy” life, but a good one. This model gives us an idea of the elements that humans need to feel good about their lives (in general).
We need good relationships with other people, we need to feel accomplished, like what we do matters. We need to feel engaged with life and interested in what is going on around us. We need to feel moments of joy and fun, and we need to feel like it all means something.
But here's the kicker – we don't all need an equal share of each. How we balance these aspects depends on our unique selves. Some of us might treasure accomplishments over meaning, while others find joy in relationships more than positive emotions. It's a personal choice, yours to make.
Balancing Aspects of Life for Well-Being
The key here is that this "well-being" approach gives us something practical to work with. It's like hitting the gym for your emotions and mental state. Positive psychology research dives into how we can develop these well-being skills. You can train your mind to experience more positivity, learn better social skills to enrich your relationships, seek out activities that truly engage you, develop goal-setting skills for success, and explore your own inner compass to find what's meaningful.
This skill-building is a far more effective way to enhance our lives than just blindly chasing "happiness," which many mistakenly equate with pleasure, possessions, or achievements.
When we look at our lives from this well-rounded perspective, we can pinpoint the missing puzzle pieces and focus on improving in those areas.
That's where I think nudges come in handy. In a world full of noise and constant persuasion, it's easy to lose sight of what truly matters. There is a level of chaos fighting for our attention and we are often left confused about what we want or more importantly, really need. But getting clarity on that is the first step towards freedom.
The Path to Enhancing Quality of Life
We can take a look at the PERMA model or any of the similar well-being frameworks (they all say pretty much the same thing) and decide what truly matters to us, what a "good life" means to us. Then, we can use nudges and other tools to gain the skills we need to improve in each of those areas.
This approach is the long-haul, sustainable path to working on your "well-being" and significantly enhancing your quality of life. So, stay tuned for the next post on how to set up nudges to clarify what really matters in your life.
Beyond Happiness
What's become clear to me over the years is that there's value in so many other aspects of our lives – meaning, purpose, relationships, and personal growth - all of these can actually lead us to some temporary unhappiness. But as my friend so rightly said, they are “more important things.”
Happiness, it seems, is just one slice of the pie, albeit an important one. So, the moral of this story, dear friends, is that sometimes, the pursuit of happiness can lead us down unexpected paths of understanding and self-discovery. It's okay to want to be happy, AND there's a world of richness beyond that pursuit.
And who knows, maybe your journey will lead you to agree with my friend, as mine did. Life's got more flavors than just happiness – it's a whole buffet of experiences waiting for you to savor!
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Feel free to drop a comment below if any of this hits home for you.
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