Understanding the difference between happiness and well-being is important if you want to live a full life. Happiness is those short feelings of joy or pleasure that sparkle for a moment before going away. Well-being is the bigger picture. It's not just having happy times; it also means having a purpose in life, experiencing joy, and being able to get back on your feet after problems (resilience).

This wider, longer-lasting state of well-being affects every part of life, including our health, our relationships, and how well we do at work. It's the strong base that makes everything else in life more satisfying. I go much deeper into the differences between “happiness” and well-being here, and I recommend you read that article first.

So despite the title of this post being “5 Surprising Reasons Why You Might Be Unhappy”, in reality, we are talking about habits and thoughts that lower our well-being and impact our mental health. Let’s get right into it.

Reason 1: The Illusion of Control

Many of us cling to the belief that we can steer every aspect of our lives, from our careers to our personal relationships. To an extent, we do have some choices and control over what we do. However, it becomes problematic when we operate under the expectation that we should be able to control everything in our lives.

This illusion of control is a seductive trap, offering a false sense of security in an unpredictable world. However, expecting that you should be able to control everything (or even most things) in your life can significantly burden your mental health, leading to increased stress and diminished happiness.

To make this problem less of a problem, we need to be open to the journey of life and be flexible in our expectations. Letting go of the need to control every outcome helps us live in the moment and learn to embrace the process rather than the outcome. This change in attitude can make life more satisfying and less stressful by letting us know that we can affect our path, but not every factor. We have control over our own choices and how we respond to life, but not what happens. Operating from this belief takes a lot of the pressure off us because it limits what we have to worry about.

I try to operate under the thought of “I don’t know exactly what is going to happen in the future (releasing control), but I trust that I can handle whatever comes (trust in self).”

Reason 2: Expecting Others to Play by Your Rules

It's natural to wish that others would adhere to our expectations, but this desire can lead to frustration and unhappiness when reality falls short. Humans are not perfect. We will all make mistakes and fall short of even our own expectations. Expectations that are too rigid can isolate us from others, and loneliness is terrible for our long-term well-being.

Here is what this might look like:

-You have a hard time forgiving people.

-You're often resentful and angry towards others.

-You expect others to reciprocate your kindness.

-You have a hard time letting things go.

-You think there should be a perfect relationship out there.

To fight this, embrace being more open-minded about your ties with other people. Remember the Stoic principle: "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself." Value the different ideas and experiences that other people bring to the table. Operate from a place of gratitude for having the person in your life rather than a place of expectation.

Not only will letting go of rigid standards help your relationships, but it will also help you find peace and happiness inside – which is critical for your happiness and well-being.

Reason 3: Misalignment Between Values and Actions

One of the most common causes of dissatisfaction is a mismatch between the things that we value and how we spend our time. Living in a manner that is not congruent with our fundamental principles might result in a profound sense of discontent and a perception that life is devoid of significance. If you are consistently saying one thing, but your actions are opposing, you ruin your inner harmony. A disrupted internal sense of self can make us more irritable, angry, and frustrated, and we might not even know why we are feeling this way.

To counteract this, we need to get absolutely clear on what our values are. Use a journal and write them down. If you have never thought about it, it might even come as a surprise when you get clear on your values and realize that some of your actions were in opposition. Journaling, thinking about, or writing things down is a powerful way to self-reflect.

When you prioritize doing things that align with what you genuinely care about, and stop doing things that are against what you want and believe, you feel more satisfied with your life overall. It can also improve your relationships because you show up as a better version of yourself for the people around you.

Reason 4: Fear of Failure

Fear is a powerful barrier that can keep us from following our goals and living up to our potential. It can prevent us from achieving our best work or even getting started. Fear of failure that leads to inaction can cause a lot of internal frustration and undermine our well-being.

This dread is frequently the result of a misunderstanding that labels failure as a negative experience, rather than a chance for personal development and education.

The best way to conquer this fear is to cultivate an attitude of curiosity toward errors and setbacks. The question you should ask yourself is, "What can you learn from each experience, and how can you improve?"

You may turn your fear of failing into a driver of personal development and growth if you shift your attention from the result to the process of getting there and the challenges you face along the way. It is a matter of perspective, but also of action. If fear is stopping you from acting, you have to decide whether you will act despite the fear. The more you act, the less loud and strong the fear will be in your head.

Reason 5: The Trap of Busyness

In today's fast-paced world, being "busy" is often worn as a badge of honor. However, there's a significant difference between being busy and being effective.

Busyness for the sake of busyness can lead to unhappiness by diverting time and energy away from meaningful activities and toward unfulfilling tasks.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being busy. But if you are using business as an excuse to avoid dealing with other important issues in your life, you should know you're not fooling yourself. You can end up feeling anxious, unhappy, or frustrated (and you won't know why). Your subconscious knows when there is something that is not being dealt with.

Being busy for the sake of being busy can also cause you to be less effective. It can cause emotional exhaustion and burnout because it starts to feel like we are always working but are no closer to actually accomplishing our meaningful goals. That results in a defeating feeling which zaps motivation.

If you are someone who enjoys having every hour filled in your day, try to take a moment and just sit with your thoughts. Get honest about how you are spending your time and why you are spending it that way. Are you avoiding something in your life you know should be dealt with? Are you really being the most effective you could be?

You could also try applying the 80/20 rule (the Pareto Principle). Focus on the 20% of activities that contribute most significantly to your goals and well-being, and minimize the time spent on less impactful tasks. This approach can enhance both your productivity and your happiness by ensuring that your efforts are aligned with what truly matters.

Why it matters…

Shifting your thinking on these five important areas can improve your well-being because it removes pressure and inner conflict. Most of these are the result of unhelpful thinking. It is a matter of shifting your perspective. The running theme through all of these concepts is the idea of control vs. release.

When you try to hold on to water, the tighter you grip, the less you have. It can be very freeing to learn how to let go and trust that things will work out as they should. Or, even if they don’t, knowing your power lies in how you respond to circumstances.

You can learn to accept that life is unpredictable and find freedom in being able to change and grow with it, rather than consistently fighting against it. Life starts to feel more peaceful.

By shifting your perspective in these 5 ways, you're not just looking for short-lived happiness; you're building a foundation of health and happiness that will help you live a fuller, more worthwhile life.